I was surprised at myself late this past Tuesday night (09-27-10). Twas the night before my birthday and all through the house not a creature was stirring….. except for me. I was restless. Usually I have a laid back response to birthdays and getting older. “Just another day in life,” was a phrase that echoed frequently through my subconscious. Often, when the topic of my age would come up or when I was explaining my attitude toward birthdays, I would laughingly refer back to the year I spent my birthday in Michigan with my now deceased grandma. My brother called to wish me a happy birthday and he asked me if I felt any older. To which I replied: ‘yes, about a whole day older than I felt yesterday.’ This is one of what I consider to be my wittiest lines (yes I remember them). Or maybe not witty per se, but an embodiment of a part of who I am – practical, comical (boarder line pathetic;-), no bones, different. My attitude toward age is indifferent both a good and bad are represented and people often don’t know if they should be celebrating. Its’ inevitability usually causes me to question why bother pointing it out. I’m a day to day person. However, on the eve of the day of transition from my teens to tweens, I found myself in a mood of retrospectiveness. I was strangely moved by the departure from being a teenager to being twenty. The significance of this birthday played more heavily on me than any other birthday had. I felt like I was about to enter a stage of my life that I was frightfully unprepared to handle. I suddenly realized that I had always thought of the twenties as finally being a grown up. The teens were a time to have fun and enjoy youth. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of, or feel any obligation to give up any portion of my youthfulness. It’s just the way I saw twenties and was slightly afraid that I would expect that of myself. I was also thinking back on the memories (good and bad) of my teenage years – also not something I am prone to do. It was as if I was doing a mental inventory of experiences. I was seeing if they measured up to what I thought they should be. My thoughts soon turned to the many blessing I have and have had in the past ten years. I would not change a single experience I went through. They have made me who I am.
Now I feel like I’m in limbo between realities. I feel like I am at the top of the mountain ready but apprehensive of jumping off and testing my newly created hang glider. I am experiencing a sensation that I imagine a skydiver feels right before taking his first jump. That moment of truth, reality, trying to convince yourself that the parachute will save you and that it’ll be the coolest thing you ever did while at the same time scared to death, paralyzed with apprehension.
I guess leaving my teenage years was not something I was actually ready to do. I’m stuck between being a metaphoric teenager while actually being twenty. I guess you could call me a tweenager.
I can only say thanks to those of you have made me who I am, who have brought me to where I am, and who are continually making me better.
