Tick tick pocket watch
Ticking all day long
Ding dong alarm clock
Chiming out in song
Coo coo coo coo clock
Clucking on the hour
Bong bong city clock tower
Chiming out in power
Back and forth grandfather clock
Swinging through the day
Beep beep wrist watch
Time to go out and play
Time keeps passing by
Every single day
Be careful how you spend it
It never comes to stay
I like it, as well as the new and improved title. :) Here are my thoughts, if you are interested: What about bong or dong for the city clock? It sounds a little more rich and powerful- ring made me think of a phone. And for the last line, "cuz it'll" is a little more informal than the rest of your piece; what do you think of "It will never return this way" or (what I like even better) "It never comes to stay." Conveys the same idea, I think. Guess I still can't get rid of the editor in me. :) Feel free to incorporate or disregard my suggestions as you like-- as I said, it's a good piece.
ReplyDeleteHey thanks! Yeah I really like the suggestions! Especially the alternative ending! Thanks! :-) Love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad! I just reread it, I guess it's the third time now, and I think it grows on me a little more each time.
ReplyDeleteYour alarm clock chimes out a song.... what a cheerful way of looking at it. If I were to write that verse it would be:
beep beep alarm clock
calling me from sleep :P
Alarm clocks: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em!